Never has a topic jumped out at me before like this one. For the third time in a week, I saw a discussion thread online asking kinksters their opinions on whether a Dominant giving oral sex still made them Dominant.
Before my eyes rolled so hard they nearly fell out of my head, and before I heaved a huge sigh of exasperation, I clenched my jaw at whoever keeps propagating this bullshit – not the person asking the question (poor thing, they were worried they were somehow less Dominant) but at whoever let this idea out into the world. (It’s funny, I’m not one to see things in black or white. Pardon the phrase, but nearly everything is a shade of gray to me. In my mind there are often exceptions to every rule, reasons for things we might not understand, and ways of doing things that I don’t understand but accept. But something about this one just pisses me off.)
Dominants are Still In Control Even When They’re Going Down
Regardless of how John Brownstone chooses to give me an orgasm – hand, cock, toy, or tongue – my orgasms still belong to him. I have to beg for permission during or receive permission before he begins before I can orgasm. I swear to gawd, one of his greatest pleasures in life is hearing my voice raise three octaves as I screech out a “Please, Daddy, can I cum” in a whisper without coming completely unglued or having an orgasm without permission. (Try getting eaten out with tongue/teeth on your clit, knowing you can’t cum without permission, and two kids sleeping down the hallway – and then tell me he’s not Dominant.)
He’s my Dominant and my Daddy. He gives me pleasure or he takes pleasure. I receive it and I give it, but I never just take it. That’s how we roll, y’all. So when he’s giving me oral sex, he’s still fully in control – even when my thighs are clamped so hard around his head that he probably can’t see, hear, or breathe.
Dominants Give as Much as or More than They Take
Anyone who tries to tell you that Dominants only take and don’t give anything to their submissives is an abusive asshole and needs to be called out as such before being avoided like the plague. The reason Dominance and submission works is because both parties are receiving some sort of pleasure. Even if the pleasure for the submissive is about being used, it is still pleasure. A “Dominant” (notice the quotes?) who refuses to contemplate giving pleasure to their submissive – or making sure they receive it at some point – is just another wannabe in my mind. An arrogant asshole.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Not every D/s partnership is a love match. And yes, some people play really, really hard. But even then, the submissive should receive some pleasure from the scene – either from the play itself, the pain (assuming that’s part of it), the mindfuck, or just knowing they’re serving their Dominant.
If a Dominant refuses to give something like oral because they perceive giving pleasure to their submissive a weakness, that submissive needs to kick them to the curb and go find a real Dominant.
Dominance is about more than getting your rocks off with a submissive. Both partners should find their own pleasure in the partnership, the relationship, and/or the play. If you’re not into oral for your own reasons, that’s one thing. But if you’re told you “shouldn’t” expect oral from a Dominant (or on the flipside, as a Dominant you “shouldn’t” give oral to your submissive) think again and know that advice is bullshit.
No, not every moment in a D/s relationship is about pleasure. I’m pretty sure the good Doms really hate punishing their submissives, and I know submissives really don’t like being told no. But in this one thing, oral sex, a Dominant who gives it is still just as Dominant as they are when they receive it.
Taken from http://kaylalords.com
Monday 20 April 2015
Top 10 Signs He’s an Asshole, Not a Dominant
Top 10 Signs He’s an Asshole, Not a Dominant
For all the single submissives out there looking for love, I get it. No really, I do. You yearn to submit to a Dominant, and it seems like finding the right one is nearly impossible. Many of you will take what you can get because you don’t think you deserve better. Others don’t seem to know the difference between genuine affection or interest and the assholes who are waiting in wings for you.
I often go on lengthy diatribes about what’s okay and what isn’t between a Dominant and a submissive. I also frequently go on rants because people are made to feel that normal, healthy desires or sexual activities can’t have a place in BDSM. For anyone who doesn’t have the time for all that, here’s a handy-dandy list of what separates the Dominants from the assholes so you’ll know one when you find them.
Note: This is directed at male Dominants for two reasons. One, that’s my main experience, and two, I’ve never heard of Dommes pulling this kind of crap. If they do, share with me in the comments below so everyone can be aware.
He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored.
He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen.
He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser.
He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you – a lot.
He disregards your safe word. Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse.
He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that.
He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences.
He makes you feel bad about yourself. I’m not talking about a humiliation fetish in the middle of a scene or even as part of an on-going relationship. I’m talking about the soul-sucking, self-esteem shattering bullshit that makes you feel less than human and unworthy of love and affection. D/s should build both people up, not tear you down.
He separates you from family and friends. Okay, let’s be honest here. Some people are just bad for us. They make us feel bad and doubt our self worth. I don’t mean those people. I’m talking about loving relationships with friends and family. A good Dominant wants a happy, healthy submissive – and isolating you from people who care about you won’t achieve that. Frankly, it will simply show that he’s selfish and, most likely, insecure.
He tells you that you’re not a “real” submissive because you have your own opinions. In a D/s relationship, how you express those opinions will vary based on your consensual, negotiated agreement but you should always have your own opinions. The other flavor that goes with this one is that you’re not a real submissive because you’re too independent, aggressive, or (best of all) not willing to do what you’re told by someone you just met who claims to be a Dominant. (Insert big, fat eyeroll.)
Assuming you’re online when these things occur (and it usually does), I also think you can be proactive in dealing with these men. First of all, you are under no obligation to reply to a message that includes anything you find offensive. If you tell them to stop or to leave you alone, you can and should ignore them. You don’t have to continue following or being “friends” with these people online. The unfollow, unfriend, and block features are all there for a reason. Use them. If it crosses over to harassment, you should report them to whichever site you’re on.
Once you’re in a relationship, you must remember that you’re free to end it. You are allowed to withdraw your consent. If he doesn’t listen, he’s no longer acting as a Dominant. Now he’s an abuser. And he should be treated as such – even if that means getting the law involved. Your physical, emotional, and mental well-being truly are that important.
If someone does a couple of the things on this list, they might (but I doubt it) simply be too new to understand how D/s really works. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt, but I’d also move on and not engage with them. Let them learn the hard way – or end up alone, either way works for me. When you come across the guy who does most of these things, he’s not a Dominant. He’s an asshole. Don’t waste your time or breath on him.
You are worth more than that, and you need to remember it and believe it.
Taken from http://kaylalords.com
For all the single submissives out there looking for love, I get it. No really, I do. You yearn to submit to a Dominant, and it seems like finding the right one is nearly impossible. Many of you will take what you can get because you don’t think you deserve better. Others don’t seem to know the difference between genuine affection or interest and the assholes who are waiting in wings for you.
I often go on lengthy diatribes about what’s okay and what isn’t between a Dominant and a submissive. I also frequently go on rants because people are made to feel that normal, healthy desires or sexual activities can’t have a place in BDSM. For anyone who doesn’t have the time for all that, here’s a handy-dandy list of what separates the Dominants from the assholes so you’ll know one when you find them.
Note: This is directed at male Dominants for two reasons. One, that’s my main experience, and two, I’ve never heard of Dommes pulling this kind of crap. If they do, share with me in the comments below so everyone can be aware.
He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be ignored.
He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen.
He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser.
He ignores your hard limits. Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without first talking to you – a lot.
He disregards your safe word. Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse.
He lies. I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that.
He thinks more about his pleasure than your own. Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay. I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t listen when you tell him your preferences.
He makes you feel bad about yourself. I’m not talking about a humiliation fetish in the middle of a scene or even as part of an on-going relationship. I’m talking about the soul-sucking, self-esteem shattering bullshit that makes you feel less than human and unworthy of love and affection. D/s should build both people up, not tear you down.
He separates you from family and friends. Okay, let’s be honest here. Some people are just bad for us. They make us feel bad and doubt our self worth. I don’t mean those people. I’m talking about loving relationships with friends and family. A good Dominant wants a happy, healthy submissive – and isolating you from people who care about you won’t achieve that. Frankly, it will simply show that he’s selfish and, most likely, insecure.
He tells you that you’re not a “real” submissive because you have your own opinions. In a D/s relationship, how you express those opinions will vary based on your consensual, negotiated agreement but you should always have your own opinions. The other flavor that goes with this one is that you’re not a real submissive because you’re too independent, aggressive, or (best of all) not willing to do what you’re told by someone you just met who claims to be a Dominant. (Insert big, fat eyeroll.)
Assuming you’re online when these things occur (and it usually does), I also think you can be proactive in dealing with these men. First of all, you are under no obligation to reply to a message that includes anything you find offensive. If you tell them to stop or to leave you alone, you can and should ignore them. You don’t have to continue following or being “friends” with these people online. The unfollow, unfriend, and block features are all there for a reason. Use them. If it crosses over to harassment, you should report them to whichever site you’re on.
Once you’re in a relationship, you must remember that you’re free to end it. You are allowed to withdraw your consent. If he doesn’t listen, he’s no longer acting as a Dominant. Now he’s an abuser. And he should be treated as such – even if that means getting the law involved. Your physical, emotional, and mental well-being truly are that important.
If someone does a couple of the things on this list, they might (but I doubt it) simply be too new to understand how D/s really works. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt, but I’d also move on and not engage with them. Let them learn the hard way – or end up alone, either way works for me. When you come across the guy who does most of these things, he’s not a Dominant. He’s an asshole. Don’t waste your time or breath on him.
You are worth more than that, and you need to remember it and believe it.
Taken from http://kaylalords.com
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