Here is something which I should really read up good and learned it by heart! Something for you guys to read and girls? Well, the girls can read too and please give me your opinions as well. An extra tip is always encouraged.
1. First and most important: ACCEPT THAT SHE CAN'T ALWAYS CUM. Sometimes it just isn't going to happen and that's okay. Every few months I have a day where I spend an hour doggedly trying to get myself off with absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm horny, hydrated, relaxed, enjoying the same fantasies/porn, using techniques that usually guarantee an orgasm within 5-20 minutes, but it's just not happening. There's no rhyme or reason to it.
2. Ancillary to this: accept that SHE DOESN'T ALWAYS WANT TO CUM. As a woman with complicated sexual proclivities, I can attest to the fact that orgasms are pretty far down the list of my goals. I can get myself off most any time, but if I'm by myself, who exactly am I going to order to kneel? Whose ass am I going to spank? If I have to choose between spending the average 20 minutes it takes to get off getting my pussy played with or a complex scene in which I tie someone up and stick a vibrator up their ass, I'll often chose the latter. It's my choice and any man who wants to stay in my life better sure as shit respect it.
3. DON'T MAKE IT ABOUT YOU. JUST DON’T. Not getting her to cum doesn't make you a failure. It doesn't mean you're not a man or not a good lover. It doesn't mean she'll immediately boot you out on your ass. If you want to be a real man, let it be about her and don't get all butt hurt or insecure or accusatory if she doesn't get there. Eventually, she'll either start faking because it's easier or she'll dump your myopic, self-centered, entitled little ass in favor of someone whose ego doesn't need constant service.
4. TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF. Seriously, don't make her feel like she owes it to you to cum. Never say "but I want to see you cum, baby" or "I'm not going to cum until you do" or "I'll feel bad if you don't" or, worst, "is there something wrong with you?" Ironically, trying really hard to cum makes it even harder to cum. Unless, of course, these things are part of a dynamic you BOTH agree you enjoy.
5. JUST BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T NEED TO CUM, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S SUDDENLY ALL ABOUT YOUR ORGASM. I'm quite happy to have a disproportionate orgasm ratio. I enjoy not having the pressure always on and I still love watching my partners come apart. But some take this for granted. They start thinking that every time we have sex is just a race to their orgasm, the end. These people get punted.
6. WHEN IT COMES TO GETTING HERSELF OFF, SHE'S ALWAYS RIGHT. If she needs a vibrator, let her use it. And if you're threatened by it, yes, you are less of a man. If she needs you to stand on one foot and hop three times, do it. Seriously, whatever it is, no matter how weird or unsexy for you, go along with it. By all means, find new things to try, but if she knows what works, you have to respect it or risk her losing respect for you. Just because you're Don Juan, King of the Clitoris Delta, does not mean that you know her body better than she does. Also, you should really learn how to use that vibrator. It won’t bite. I promise.
7. DON'T STOP HER FROM MASTURBATING. Sometimes the quickest most satisfying way for her to cum is with herself. That might mean she gets you off and then masturbates after. It might be a sexy exhibitionist/voyeuristic thing. It might even be that you have to go watch TV in the living room while she has fun with the showerhead. Just think for second: how long can you go without an orgasm without getting a little testy? How long would you stay with someone who doesn't let you cum as much as you want?
8. IF YOU ARE GOING DOWN/FINGERING/ETC. AND SOMETHING IS REALLY WORKING FOR HER, DON'T FUCKING STOP. Seriously, don't stop. Don’t think you need to change it up. A lot of girls who have trouble coming with partners but can cum on their own (especially with toys) need steady, repeated motion in order to get there. Other girls really like the variety. But nothing sucks more than to almost be there and then be thwarted because your partner wants to fix something that’s not broken.
9. This is the hardest one, but, trust me, IF YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY SURE SHE FAKES, CALL HER ON IT. Faking orgasms is the vicious spiral that slowly leads to relationship death. Here’s how it goes: girl is self-conscious to be a difficult cum; girl initially fakes orgasms either to win guy over or because she doesn't think the relationship will last; relationship lasts long enough that girl starts wanting real orgasms; girl doesn't feel like she can demand them now that she lied; girl feels bitter for not getting orgasms; girl feels resentment towards guy for benefiting from a system that encourages her to lie for his pleasure; girl either dumps guy or stops faking; guy feels terrible/angry/bitter for either being dumped or lied to.
10. I lied. This is the hardest one. COMMUNICATE. I know it’s not very sexy to a lot of you, but there a quite a lot of us that get off on communication, especially when that communication is going to give us things that we want. Both you and she might be reluctant to talk about her pleasure. It’s a subject that is treated with an awful mix of taboo and titillation in our society, so it’s hard sometimes to wrap your head around the fact that not all sex talk is ‘dirty talk’ (whether you find wallowing in the dirt to be sexy is ultimately immaterial - it’s still a diversion from the frank talk that needs to happen). So, even if it’s not sexy, talk about her pleasure and what works for her. Ask her to give comment on your technique. Ask her to correct you when you're going down. Ask her if she wants to orgasm. If you're frustrated or neglected, explain why you're feeling frustrated instead of bottling it up. Tell her why you love eating her pussy. Tell her that you want to try something new. The more you open up to her and let her open up to you, the easier it will be for her to cum and the easier it will be for her to ask you to try new things.
If she doesn't know what she wants, don’t make fun. If she wants to experiment, don’t get so lost in fantasy that you don’t hear what she’s saying afterwards. And if she shows the awful scars of the shame that our society has taught her to feel about her own orgasm or lack thereof, be supportive and loving and don’t think about yourself one bit. Those men, those are the keepers.
Tuesday 23 December 2014
How to spot a good Dominant
I came across this article posted by a fellow kinkster. I felt that I'm somewhat some of the ethics which applies to myself as a Dominant. I'm sharing it to you and hope you have an agreement with it as well.
Finding a man is no easy task for submissive ladies. It seems many women do not understand the red flags signalling “Beware.”
- A dominant man will not start off by with, 'Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my message!' There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to 'block n’ move on.' (I would advise ladies to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in argument or flame wars…life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Dom.
- A dominant man will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Getting dates or getting laid is not his problem; he can find women on kink sites, at work, or in the grocery store. He knows women, and women are drawn to him. Many women, kink or vanilla, prefer a man who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a 'Dom' becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t write him back every other hour, chances are he has a hard time with the fairer sex. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.
- A dominant man most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in his chosen profession. If he has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for he will strive relentlessly to place his universe back into the order mandatory to his existence. If your suitor languishes in poverty, unemployment for years, or hates his job, most likely his dominance is merely a cover-up to appease his lack of success. Though he may not be the millionaire, look for the man who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in his chosen endeavour.
- A dominant man will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get his attention). He will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The dominant guy loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most men do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a man to move far outside normal gestures requiring both skill and creativity. How you think about a myriad of criterion will be of great interest to him.
- A dominant man is likely to be damn good in the sack. Most men have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The dominant man has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left him bereft of sport, so he now seeks a woman who will challenge him on other levels. The dominant guy is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. He will have done his homework and already experimented in real-time on many lovers. He will be a bit of the Don Juan, if not Don himself; not a womaniser per se, but certainly sexually advanced.
- A dominant man may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, and whatnot), but he will not need them to be dominant. A whisper, a word, a look, a swagger, and a touch are the essence of his talent. Confidence is his weapon of choice, not bragging about his dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.
- A dominant man will be very cautious in selecting you because he knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is he that has to live up to them. Above all things he will wish to be good for you. He attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in his choices as he finds his way.
- A dominant man will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The dominant guy knows he is not All Knowing, for he is human. A guy who believes he never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not dominant.
- A dominant man will never send you a cock shot at first greeting and it is highly unlikely that he’ll have one on his profile.
- A dominant man will not beg you for naked photographs. In fact, he won’t beg for anything. He will simply wait till you’re dying to send him your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lordly composure (or a rock hard-on, depending on the photo).
- A dominant man will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If he’s married to vanilla, he’ll simply say so. If he’s dating vanilla, he’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less he’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The dominant guy is straightforward, will wish to be plain about his true desires and needs, and if he is attached, will be forthcoming with that information. If he’s cheating on his vanilla wife, he will say so. He made his choice and is going for it.
- A dominant man won’t lie about much, though he surely will keep some of his thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, he’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed he thinks you can absorb them (he may well discard such thoughts as he gets to know you; he will discard his thoughts often). The lying 'dom' will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real dominant guy wants no part of someone for whom he cannot be good. A man who attempts to get with a woman he cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.
- A dominant man will not be heavy handed in his approach. He will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on his tastes). His efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. He will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with him (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise himself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.
In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. He may err constantly, particularly if he is new. Yet he will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, he will avoid that which he knows he cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but he will understand his own limits as well as his woman’s.
A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the dominant man needs you like he needs air. He wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because he has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why he seeks your worship; because he has earned it and deserves it.
If a man does not seek risk and challenge in his life, if he wishes worship without venturing his ego, if he does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as he does in many things, he is not a dominant man.
Happy hunting!
~Author Unknown
I'm sure this could be applied to Dommes as well but I didn't want to change the writing but hopefully the point comes home.
Finding a man is no easy task for submissive ladies. It seems many women do not understand the red flags signalling “Beware.”
- A dominant man will not start off by with, 'Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my message!' There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to 'block n’ move on.' (I would advise ladies to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in argument or flame wars…life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Dom.
- A dominant man will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Getting dates or getting laid is not his problem; he can find women on kink sites, at work, or in the grocery store. He knows women, and women are drawn to him. Many women, kink or vanilla, prefer a man who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a 'Dom' becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t write him back every other hour, chances are he has a hard time with the fairer sex. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.
- A dominant man most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in his chosen profession. If he has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for he will strive relentlessly to place his universe back into the order mandatory to his existence. If your suitor languishes in poverty, unemployment for years, or hates his job, most likely his dominance is merely a cover-up to appease his lack of success. Though he may not be the millionaire, look for the man who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in his chosen endeavour.
- A dominant man will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get his attention). He will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The dominant guy loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most men do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a man to move far outside normal gestures requiring both skill and creativity. How you think about a myriad of criterion will be of great interest to him.
- A dominant man is likely to be damn good in the sack. Most men have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The dominant man has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left him bereft of sport, so he now seeks a woman who will challenge him on other levels. The dominant guy is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. He will have done his homework and already experimented in real-time on many lovers. He will be a bit of the Don Juan, if not Don himself; not a womaniser per se, but certainly sexually advanced.
- A dominant man may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, and whatnot), but he will not need them to be dominant. A whisper, a word, a look, a swagger, and a touch are the essence of his talent. Confidence is his weapon of choice, not bragging about his dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.
- A dominant man will be very cautious in selecting you because he knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is he that has to live up to them. Above all things he will wish to be good for you. He attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in his choices as he finds his way.
- A dominant man will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The dominant guy knows he is not All Knowing, for he is human. A guy who believes he never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not dominant.
- A dominant man will never send you a cock shot at first greeting and it is highly unlikely that he’ll have one on his profile.
- A dominant man will not beg you for naked photographs. In fact, he won’t beg for anything. He will simply wait till you’re dying to send him your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lordly composure (or a rock hard-on, depending on the photo).
- A dominant man will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If he’s married to vanilla, he’ll simply say so. If he’s dating vanilla, he’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less he’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The dominant guy is straightforward, will wish to be plain about his true desires and needs, and if he is attached, will be forthcoming with that information. If he’s cheating on his vanilla wife, he will say so. He made his choice and is going for it.
- A dominant man won’t lie about much, though he surely will keep some of his thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, he’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed he thinks you can absorb them (he may well discard such thoughts as he gets to know you; he will discard his thoughts often). The lying 'dom' will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real dominant guy wants no part of someone for whom he cannot be good. A man who attempts to get with a woman he cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.
- A dominant man will not be heavy handed in his approach. He will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on his tastes). His efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. He will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with him (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise himself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.
In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. He may err constantly, particularly if he is new. Yet he will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, he will avoid that which he knows he cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but he will understand his own limits as well as his woman’s.
A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the dominant man needs you like he needs air. He wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because he has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why he seeks your worship; because he has earned it and deserves it.
If a man does not seek risk and challenge in his life, if he wishes worship without venturing his ego, if he does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as he does in many things, he is not a dominant man.
Happy hunting!
~Author Unknown
I'm sure this could be applied to Dommes as well but I didn't want to change the writing but hopefully the point comes home.
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