How to spot a good Dominant

I came across this article posted by a fellow kinkster. I felt that I'm somewhat some of the ethics which applies to myself as a Dominant. I'm sharing it to you and hope you have an agreement with it as well.

Finding a man is no easy task for submissive ladies. It seems many women do not understand the red flags signalling “Beware.”

- A dominant man will not start off by with, 'Bow down on your knees upon receipt of my message!' There seems to be many complaints from women about this kind of ploy as first introduction, and this is reason alone to 'block n’ move on.' (I would advise ladies to use this tactic often and liberally rather than engage in argument or flame wars…life is too short.). Ignore the Insta-Dom.

- A dominant man will not seem ‘desperate’ for your attention. Getting dates or getting laid is not his problem; he can find women on kink sites, at work, or in the grocery store. He knows women, and women are drawn to him. Many women, kink or vanilla, prefer a man who is take-charge both in the bedroom and in life. If a 'Dom' becomes frantic, anxious, or despairing because you don’t write him back every other hour, chances are he has a hard time with the fairer sex. The good news is desperation is easy to spot.

- A dominant man most often will be successful, a maverick, or at least happy in his chosen profession. If he has had some bad luck in his past, it will be fleeting, for he will strive relentlessly to place his universe back into the order mandatory to his existence. If your suitor languishes in poverty, unemployment for years, or hates his job, most likely his dominance is merely a cover-up to appease his lack of success. Though he may not be the millionaire, look for the man who is happy, confident, unique, and/or successful in his chosen endeavour.

- A dominant man will be very interested in you, and not just your sexual needs (though they will certainly get his attention). He will see you as a puzzle, and desire to make sense of that puzzle. The dominant guy loves challenge and that in essence is why so many submissives find disillusion in the vanilla world; most men do not seek challenge in sensuality, they fear it. Submissive women are the most challenging of lovers for they have great fantasy. Their fantasies often require a man to move far outside normal gestures requiring both skill and creativity. How you think about a myriad of criterion will be of great interest to him.

- A dominant man is likely to be damn good in the sack. Most men have their hands full with straight-up vanilla sex. The dominant man has either mastered or has no interest in such elementary play, at least not all the time. Making a woman orgasm many times has left him bereft of sport, so he now seeks a woman who will challenge him on other levels. The dominant guy is going to have a good understanding of the female anatomy, and will persist in finding the keys to your body and mind. He will have done his homework and already experimented in real-time on many lovers. He will be a bit of the Don Juan, if not Don himself; not a womaniser per se, but certainly sexually advanced.

- A dominant man may have all the accoutrement of kink (the whips, chains, and whatnot), but he will not need them to be dominant. A whisper, a word, a look, a swagger, and a touch are the essence of his talent. Confidence is his weapon of choice, not bragging about his dungeon. Those who tout their toys too highly might well be lacking in other departments.

- A dominant man will be very cautious in selecting you because he knows you have great desires, hopes, and dreams, and it is he that has to live up to them. Above all things he will wish to be good for you. He attempts to choose wisely but may at first make many mistakes in his choices as he finds his way.

- A dominant man will make mistakes and have no fear admitting them. The dominant guy knows he is not All Knowing, for he is human. A guy who believes he never makes mistakes or does not admit to them with good cheer is most likely not dominant.

- A dominant man will never send you a cock shot at first greeting and it is highly unlikely that he’ll have one on his profile.

- A dominant man will not beg you for naked photographs. In fact, he won’t beg for anything. He will simply wait till you’re dying to send him your naughty pictures unsolicited and accept them with lordly composure (or a rock hard-on, depending on the photo).

- A dominant man will never lie about being married or already having a girlfriend. If he’s married to vanilla, he’ll simply say so. If he’s dating vanilla, he’ll break up with her before venturing in with another (less he’s doing a poly thing and brings her along, or in an open relationship). The dominant guy is straightforward, will wish to be plain about his true desires and needs, and if he is attached, will be forthcoming with that information. If he’s cheating on his vanilla wife, he will say so. He made his choice and is going for it.

- A dominant man won’t lie about much, though he surely will keep some of his thoughts from you. A Dom who feels swallowing golden showers to be right up your alley may well know telling you straight out might have you running for cover. This is not in itself lying, he’s just taking the appropriate steps first and at the speed he thinks you can absorb them (he may well discard such thoughts as he gets to know you; he will discard his thoughts often). The lying 'dom' will have an agenda that has no bearing on your needs. The real dominant guy wants no part of someone for whom he cannot be good. A man who attempts to get with a woman he cannot handle or vice versa is desperate.

- A dominant man will not be heavy handed in his approach. He will be skilled at drawing you in, opening you up, making you feel at ease or on edge (depending on his tastes). His efforts will seem effortless; even aloof at times. He will grow on you. Capture you. Enlighten you and make things seem clear that may have been once blurry. You will feel better about yourself when communicating with him (even if your desire is to live in debasement!). Only an impostor will try to tear you down in order to raise himself to higher ground. The dominate gets off by watching you soar, not fall.

In essence, taking on a submissive is both invigorating and empowering yet also a humbling experience. He may err constantly, particularly if he is new. Yet he will always, always strive to be better, and though longs and seeks challenge, he will avoid that which he knows he cannot handle, or will in some near future be unable to handle. It may take time but he will understand his own limits as well as his woman’s.

A submissive is a truckload of challenge (ask their ex-vanilla lovers), and so the dominant man needs you like he needs air. He wants your worship not simply for worship sake but because he has gone beyond the call of the norm, ventured into the realm of risk, and passing across the dangerous abyss where footing is treacherous, hopefully breaks into the sunshine of success offering you something glorious. THAT alone is why he seeks your worship; because he has earned it and deserves it.

If a man does not seek risk and challenge in his life, if he wishes worship without venturing his ego, if he does not persist continually toward excellence in handling a woman as he does in many things, he is not a dominant man.

Happy hunting!

~Author Unknown

I'm sure this could be applied to Dommes as well but I didn't want to change the writing but hopefully the point comes home.

"How To" Guide for Ladies WHILE Their Man is Dominating Them

Let's get to it:

• Sounds: Moan, whimper, gasp when your man is rough-handling you. Let him hear how turned on he's making you.
• Beg for it. Vocally: "Oh please" Him: "Please what?" You: "Please, I want you inside me/I want you to fuck me." Gasp/whimper out his name. Body language: show him how desperate you for him, move your hands across his back/chest, put your arms around his neck, press your body tight against his. When you feel his erection, glide your hand down the front of his pants and feel him through it, whisper in his ear: "I want thisso badly."
• Don't let him do all the work: When he's on top, wrap your legs around his back to bring him deeper. If you're not restrained by him, keep your hands on him, run it across his back/chest, through his hair (use light fingernails if he likes that sort of thing).
• Shy kisses: I like doing this when my guy is being particularly rough with me. I'll give him gentle kisses, on the mouth, on his cheek, along his neck and collarbone. This feels amazing when he gets more aggressive, it's like the more gentle I try to be with him, the more he'll assert his dominance as if saying "none of that bullshit, I call the shots." So I'll try to kiss him gently, but he'll just grab the back of my head and turn it into an aggressive kiss. Incredibly hot. It's very hard to explain the mentality behind this one, but it's like the more rough he is with me, the more I want to please as if to see if I can get him to be "gentler" when I really want the opposite ;) But it gets me into that nice submissive mindset that I really have no control.
• Let him dominate you while YOU are on top: Me and my guy like to do a lot of different positions during sex. Often times, he'll just say "Get on top" or "Ride me", and will shove me on him. He places his hands on my hips and controls me by thrusting upwards and shoving me down on his cock. Great position to lean over and moan/whimper in his ear while he's thrusting into you. Other times, he'll make me please him by being on top. "Ride me", then he puts his arms behind his head and smirks up at me, while I do all the work. At this point, show him how desperate you are to please him. This is the time when I really like doing the "shy" kisses cause I can lean over him and kiss him gently on the lips/neck.
• Being disobedient...on purpose: Sometimes it's no fun being the perfectly obedient little slave...how else am I going to get punished? ;) So often times I will disobey on purpose...I do this by:

1) In BDSM play: Taking too long to obey an order, outright refusing an order ("Please no"), purposely making a mistake (Him: "You're nothing but a dirty little cum-loving slut whose only good for being used. Repeat it." Me: "I'm nothing but a little cum-loving slut whose only good for being used." Him: "You forgot "dirty" <slap> <spank> "Tryagain."), not refering to him appropriately (i.e. "Master").

2) In "rape" play: Resisting - try to "fight" him off, struggle. Keep your legs closed tight, this will force him to FORCE them open. Use your hands to push him off - this will make him pin your wrists down. While I'm doing this, I like protesting: "No, please no". "I don't want to, please stop." Him: "Do you think I care what you want? Now shut up, you're here to do what I want."

• Blowjobs: Suck him off as if there is nothing else you would rather do. Moan while you have his cock buried in your mouth (yes this may be difficult - but is possible when you're just playing with the tip). Use your hands (assuming they are not tied up) and pull his waist to you as if you are desperate to get more of him into your mouth. Do what your guy likes in terms of body language - i.e. if he likes your eyes lowered, keep them lowered, look up only to coyly ask him if you're satisfying him, or if there's anything else you can do to please him.
• Beg to please him: "Please, I want to suck you off", "Please let me suck you off", "Please, will you cum in my mouth/face/chest/stomach/pussy/ass?"
• Remind him that he controls your orgasms: Again more begging. "Please let/make me cum." "I need to cum so badly, please master." "I need you to make me cum, please I'll do anything." While saying this, show how desperate you are, rub your wetness against his cock or fingers, spread your legs wide for him.
• Apologize when you're disobedient: Beg for forgiveness "I'm sorry master. I didn't mean to. I'll do whatever you want, please forgive me." "I won't disobey/forget/struggle next time. Please don't be angry." "I'm sorry master. Please punish me for disobeying. I will be/do better next time."
• Thank him: Thank him for giving you pleasure/reward. And for letting you please him "Thank you for letting me suck your cock." "Thank you for letting me swallow your cum."

After care. Many of these sessions can be mentally (not only physically) exhausting and draining. So please take care of your partner after - make sure she/he is okay, ask what things they DID NOT like (as well as things they did like), make sure you did not overstep your boundaries. Hug, kiss, hold, cuddle her/him, tell them you love them, etc, etc.

Original article here: http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/13w5cr/part_three_my_how_to_guide_for_ladies_while_their/

"How-To" Guide for Men on How To Dominate a Woman in Bed - Part Two

Now let's get things started ;)

• Take control of blowjobs. When receiving a blowjob, instead of letting her do all the work, "face fuck" her. Grab the side of her head and push her down onto your cock. For beginners, don't push too far down. For more hardcore individuals, push her down until it reaches the back of her throat. Pull out, look her in the eye and smile while stroking her cheek. Then ram your cock back down her throat. Repeat until satisfied. "You should see how hot/slutty you look with my cock down your throat." For subs, make her do this on her knees. If she closes her eyes or looks down, tug at her hair or grab her chin so she's looking at you: "Eyes open/Look up, I want to see that pretty face of yours as you suck me."
• Facials. "What a pretty face you have...I think I want to see it covered in my cum". "I'm going to cum all over that pretty face of yours." Once you've proceeded to unleash your load all over her face, smear some cum over her lips and get some on your fingers. Make her lick it off. Take a picture.
• Sex toys! This could honestly be a thread in itself. Toys for bondage (i.e. rope, handcuffs, tape, blindfolds), spanking (i.e. whips, paddles - though you can easily substitute with household items, things like rulers, the back of a hair brush, a cooking spoon, a belt, etc), vibrators, anal toys, dildos.
• Take control of her masturbation. Force her to touch herself but make it clear that she is NOT allowed to bring herself to orgasm. Get a remote controlled vibrator. Tie her up and use it on her - control the settings: bring her to the brink, then stop it. "How badly do you want to cum right now?" "Give me a good reason to let you come (let her stammer out some answer)...not good enough."
• Submission. Make her wear a collar. Tell her she can only move on her hands and knees unless you give her permission. Command her in all aspects (i.e. "I want your eyes lowered unless I say otherwise." "Look at me only when I speak to you." "I want you naked for the rest of the night, is that clear? Now strip") Make her confirm your dominance: After each command: "Do you understand me?" "Are you going to obey like a good little slave?" Make her thank you after performing certain tasks, this is especially fun in terms of punishment: "I want you to thank me every time I slap you, do you understand?" Reinforce your punishments "You know why you're being punished don't you?" (Make her give you the reason) "That's right, because you were a disobedient little bitch. Now are you going to do better next time?"
• More intense "rape" play: Shove her face down into a pillow while you take her from behind. Hold her down by firmly pressing your palm to her back, or twist her wrists behind her back. Pull on her hair (again while in doggy style).
• Slap her across the face (this was previously in the Light BDSM but many redditors indicated that it's more medium/heavy): Slap her face with your hand (or cock), alternate with tender cheek cupping between slaps. My SO tends to use slaps as punishment (aside from the usual spanking): slap "Don't disobey me again."slap.
• Choking (again was in light - should be here): Place your hands around her neck and squeeze lightly - never squeeze for too long, and make sure to constantly monitor her to ensure that she can breathe properly!! Please NEVER put direct pressure on the front of the throat (trachea area). Use light pressure with your fingers or thumb along the side. PLEASE PLEASE research breath play if you are interested in this - I cannot stress the importance of safety, there are MAJOR risks engaging in this activity and it is not something that should be experimented with without knowing how to go about it!!
• Make her clean you up after you cum: If you cum on your stomach, make her lick it up. "Make sure you lick it clean like a good slut, don't waste a single drop of cum." Or if you cum in her mouth: "Make sure you swallow every drop of cum I give you." Reward her with a kiss or glide a finger against her lips once she's swallowed: "Good girl." "You're such a cum-loving little whore." Lastly, demand that she cleans your cock after she "made a mess by dripping her pussy juices all over it." (Not a good idea after anal play for obvious reasons - instead, wipe your cock across her breasts/stomach)

Edit: Adding one thing to spice it up even when you're NOT in the bedroom.

• Leave some nice hickies on her body. "I'm going to mark you so you remember who you/this body belongs to."
• If you had sex with her panties on (refer to Part One), after you're done, pull up her panties tight into her crotch and run your fingers down the outline of her slit. Tell her she's going to wear the panties for the rest of the day so she can remember what a dirty/good little slut she's been. Tell her you WILL BE checking that she obeyed when you see her later tonight, and if you found out that she didn't keep them on, you will be punishing her. Make sure you do this when you/she gets home from work. Praise her for being such an obedient girl when you see that she still has them on.

Edit 2: Very, very important point from exilius in terms of after care. Many of these sessions can be mentally (not only physically) exhausting and draining. So please take care of your girl after - make sure she's okay, ask what things she DID NOT like (as well as things she did like), make sure you did not overstep your boundaries. Hug her, kiss her, hold her, cuddle her, tell her you love her, tell her how lucky you feel that she trusts you enough with taking control, etc, etc.

Original article here: http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/13uqk2/my_howto_guide_for_men_on_how_to_dominate_a_woman/

"How-To" Guide for Men on How To Dominate a Woman in Bed - Part One

"Gentle" Dominating

• Push her against the wall/bed/floor/table. Hold down her wrists (above her head, behind her back, by her sides). Lean your weight against her to create the feeling like you are dominating her body. Push your knee between her legs and roughly spread them wide. "Spread wide for me, sweetheart."
• Manhandle her. Put your hands all over her as if you can't get enough. Grab her breasts, squeeze her ass. Worship her. "God I love this hot/tight ass of yours". "This hot/tight ass of yours is all mine tonight." "You have the hottest/tightest little body ever." "Your body was made to be fucked by me."
• Kiss her like you need it to breathe. Grab her chin and pull her mouth to yours, plunge your tongue in her mouth.
• Run your fingers through her hair and pull gently. Tug her hair so that it forces her to look up at you, give her a sexy smirk, and kiss her roughly.
• Grind your hips against her, let her feel your arousal pressed against her. "Can you feel how hard you make me?" "Fuck, you make me so hard." "I can't wait to shove this into that sweet pussy of yours." "God I need/want to be inside of you."

Getting more aggressive...

• Light scratching: Use your fingernails and scratch along her back or lightly dig your nails into her ass.
• Spanking: Slap her ass. Mix it up, don't just spank her a billion times: spank, rub it with the palm of your hand, grip it with your hand, slap it, etc. "I fucking love your tight little ass". "This beautiful ass is all mine...in fact I think I should leave a mark so you'll remember who it belongs to slap".
• Biting: Bite her nipples, alternate with licking and swirling your tongue around the nipple.
• Orgasm Denial: "Do you want to cum?", force her to say yes, then "I want to hear you beg for it." She begs. "Louder". She begs some more. "Good girl..." Proceed to make her come. Or tease her some more... "No I don't think I'll let you just yet..."
• Forced Orgasms: "I want you to cum NOW." "Come for me, baby." Proceed to make her cum after you say these things. After you've made her come, "Have you had enough?...I don't think you have. I want you to come again for me." "I want to feel you soak my fingers/cock/tongue with your delicious juices". "I fucking love making you come, I think I want to do it again..." Make her cum again.
• Have sex with clothes on. Ideal if she's wearing a dress/skirt - hike up her dress and fuck her like that. If she has pants, rip them off roughly. Move her panties aside (but don't take them off!) and screw her like that. "Look how wet you're making your panties...what a dirty little slut you are."
• Make her pleasure you. Force her on her knees and suck you off. "Get on your knees now." "You're going to suck me until I'm satisfied." "Suck me with that talented little mouth of yours."

"Rape"/Light BDSM - So please, please tread carefully with this section, by "rape" I mean CONSENSUAL non-consent, if at any time she says the safe word, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Pay attention to her body language - if it appears like she is not enjoying something or starting to hesitate, STOP IMMEDIATELY, ask her if everything is okay, MAKE SURE THINGS ARE ACTUALLY OKAY. Again, please DO NOT continue if you have any doubts whatsoever. Constantly monitor her and your actions throughout this - remember your boundaries, STICK TO THEM. If you are interested in these activities, find resources and do your research, consult BDSM subreddits. Please, please play safe!!

• Gagging: Gag her with a piece of cloth, my personal favorite is when my boyfriend fucks me with my panties on, then takes them off, and shoves them in my mouth. (Because your mouth will be gagged, you must have a "safe gesture" as a sign to stop if things get too much.)
• Bondage: Buy rope, tape, handcuffs, four-poster bed restraints, etc. OR improvise and substitute with a scarf or belt. Tie up her wrists behind her back (then force her to suck you off), tie her to the bed frame and tease her. Safety point: NEVER leave someone tied up alone in a room (if you need to leave to go to the bathroom or anything like that, make sure you can hear her if she calls out to you. NEVER LEAVE SOMEONE GAGGED AND TIED UP.).
• Degrade her. Call her a dirty little slut/whore/cunt/bitch. "The only thing you're good for is to be fucked/satisfying me." Make her degrade herself "What are you?" "What are you good for?" "You're my slutty little whore. Say it." If she hesitates, punish her with a slap/spank. "Not fast/quick enough. Let's try again. (Repeat the question/your demand)." If you're satisfied, "Good girl" or "That's better." If not satisfied, punish her until she gets it right. Make her call you "Sir" or "Master". Punish her every time she forgets to refer to you as that.
• In contrast to degradation (as pointed out by you guys!): Praise her for satisfying you so well and beingyour "good little girl/slave". Tell her how pleased you are with her behavior and how good she's pleased you. Reward her.

Original article here: http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/13tu08/my_howto_guide_for_men_on_how_to_dominate_a_woman